Small Talk Survival Guide: Part 1

Baseline Strategies

The first time I became aware of my small talk skills was when a friend stopped me mid-sentence at a party.

“THAT!” she whispered. “Tell me how you do that.”

“Do what?” I asked, genuinely unaware of what she was pointing out.

“That thing where you completely changed the subject and they had no idea you were even doing it.”

Oh! That.

That is the thing one sharpens while fielding every question and non-question that those of us doing creative, dynamic, and multifaceted work get thrown while we’re standing in minefields disguised as social gatherings. And it’s what I’m here to teach you how to do in Ecstatic Voice’s newly revised Small Talk Survival Guide!

This two-parter could easily be a ten-parter, but I’ve done my best to gather my favorite insights and tools for keeping your sanity and self-worth intact through the holidays and beyond. Take what’s most helpful for now and save the rest another day. Let’s begin!

While you may not know what your second cousin or unsubtle colleague is going to throw at you once you arrive at a small talk situation, getting yourself in the right headspace ahead of time will set you up for success in choosing how to handle it.

A few of my favorite ways to prepare for small talk before it even starts:

Do a little warm-up.
I often talk about how sharing your voice is a whole-body experience, and small talk is no different. If you’re feeling low energy, get the blood flowing (shake it out, take a walk, do a quick wall sit), and if you’re already full of nervous energy, do the opposite (stretch, slow down your breath, do a short meditation). Giving yourself even just a few moments to clock your current energy level and decide what you need can be helpful in finding some mental and physical equilibrium before you walk in.

Jot down a few things you’d actually like to talk about.
If you’re anything like me, you have a running mental list of songs you’d like to sing at karaoke—that is until you get to karaoke and can’t think of one song you ever wanted to sing. Before you get to small talk, take a moment to make a short list of things that would be fun for you to talk about, like the latest season of Abbott Elementary, Isabel Allende on Wiser Than Me, or the Jaguar rebrand (to name three of mine). Keep them in your phone and grab one while you’re “checking your texts.” Even if you don’t end up using any, just thinking about them can get your small talk wheels turning.

Try a mantra.
Tell me Cate lives in LA without telling me Cate lives in LA! But seriously: Mantras are traditionally used to stay centered in meditation, and I can’t think of something that would benefit from a centering moment more than a small talk experience. Try saying one silently to yourself just before you walk into the room and return to it whenever you need it. Here are a few:

• “I make sense.”

  This one is great for when they give you a strange look or when you’re feeling the urge to explain yourself to someone who’s not going to get it no matter how hard you try. It’s a good reminder that just because they’re confused doesn’t mean you’re confusing—and if people aren’t getting it, that’s probably a sign you’re onto something. (For more on this, check out the synopsis of the yet-to-be-written classic: Strange Looks Are A Good Sign.)

• “I’m on my own path.”

  Small talk can get comparison-based really quickly: “Did you see so-and-so achieved [insert traditional career milestone]?” “I heard you-know-who just [insert conventional life event].” Cool! Doesn’t really have a lot to do with you, though. You’re on your own path, and you’re silently reassuring yourself of that right now. 

• “I’ve got you.”

  I included this in “Big yes: 5 invitations to trust,” and it might just be my favorite. Holidays and social events are hard, hard things make people say and do weird things, and when you enter a room from a place of compassionate leadership, it can significantly shift the energy. Is your uncle really worried about your career, or is he questioning his own life choices? It’s all good, buddy: I’ve got you. We’re going to talk about something else now.

So you’ve prepared, and now you’ve arrived: What’s next? Before you talk with anyone, I highly recommend activating soft focus. Soft focus is key in any performance situation, and it can be quite useful in social situations. You can read more about it in “Soft focus: 5 invitations to integration,” but in short it’s what you do when you drive: Your eyes are on the road, but your peripheral vision is acutely aware of anything that might cross your path.

It’s second nature to me now, but I used to imagine that I had invisible goggles on that helped boost my soft focus when entering a new room. Where does the room feel warm and inviting? Go there. Where does it feel like the creativity vultures and the crazymakers (to reference The Artist’s Way) are hanging out? Don’t go there. Adjust as often as needed.

As I touched on above, it can be incredibly helpful to remember that you’re not the only one at the holiday party who might be struggling. Even the person who looks like they’re boldly moving through the room might just be sporting a strong defense mechanism and will be exhausted when they get home. And that means it’s a wonderful opportunity to lead, as so many examples of sharing your voice are.

The great news is that as a creative and dynamic human, you’re naturally curious, perceptive, and sensitive—and all of these are excellent qualities for leading yourself and others into more satisfying conversations.

See what you naturally notice and let it guide you: What do you genuinely love about what someone is wearing? That lapel pin might just have a great story behind it—and either way, its owner will likely be flattered that you asked. What’s a detail that the hostess has included, that she might love to share her thought process around? Ask her about it while lending a hand with the drinks. Who seems like they’re feeling just as awkward as you? Bond over it together!

Starting conversations from a place of curiosity and connection keeps the small talk ship in calm waters, takes the pressure off of you, and invites others in. That’s what we call a win-win-win.

It’s time to share The First Rule of Small Talk (four sections in: I’m nonlinear!): You don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to talk about. And while we’re here, The Second Rule: You don’t owe anyone a detailed explanation. Especially over a bowl of holiday punch with suspiciously vague ingredients. 

Actually, both of those would make great mantras (see Strategy One, above):

“I don’t have to talk about anything I don’t want to talk about.”

“I don’t owe anyone an explanation.”

Repeat as necessary!

If you find yourself being asked about something you’re not prepared to discuss or not comfortable talking about, simply change the subject. It’s not deflection; it’s redirection to something more appropriate to this time and place.

If it’s a colleague or potential client and you’d like to talk more in depth at a better time and place for you, you can always exchange contact info and schedule a follow-up conversation. If it’s a friend or family member, you already have their contact info and you can also schedule a follow-up conversation.

Just like the sparkling water you’re wisely drinking to stay hydrated, keep it simple and light:

“I’d love to tell you more when Mariah Carey isn't also chiming in—what’s your email? And speaking of Christmas songs: What’s your go-to?”

“There’s a lot to talk about there—let’s grab lunch after the holiday madness. By the way, how about that Jaguar rebrand?”

If it’s someone you have no interest in going deeper with, just change the subject and move on—to literally anything: “What haven’t I been up to?! Hey, have you tried this dip? Is that dill?”

Dill! Always there when we need it.

Knowing when to leave might be the most important small talk strategy of them all. My general rule is to leave before you’re ready, which applies on both an event level and a conversational level. You’re a big ideas person and this is small talk: the container can’t hold all of you, and that awareness will help you save those big ideas for the ones that can. Leave the conversation with more to say—and if it’s possible, leave the party while you still have more energy to expend.

To leave a conversation you’re enjoying, see my note in the previous section about setting up a future time to talk. To leave a conversation you’re not enjoying, just leave. A quick "I’ve got to [head out/refill/say hi to someone]; great to chat!” while you’re already in motion should suffice.

To leave the whole small talk situation, I’m a fan of the Generous Exit (a term I made up.). It’s like a French or Irish Exit, but less AWOL. Pick a couple of people who’d appreciate knowing that you’re leaving, quietly let them know you’re on your way, and trust that everyone else will get the memo. It’s generous to your friends in keeping them in the loop, and generous to you in getting you out the door.

If you’re worried that you’re going to get pressured into staying and that the effects of that mysterious punch will make you cave, here’s a great move I learned from a friend: Just leave, then send a text or short voice memo right after you do with a few kind words about the night, a thank you if it applies, and your version of a see you soon.

Hey, I’m going to try that now:

Ready for Part Two? Right this way!